Pat Moon

Do Not Read Or Else!

Sunday 21st November
11.45. Little Graemella Rabbit is now mine, all mine! Dan brought her round this morning. Jay and Kerry came too. She is eight weeks and five days old. (Graemella, not Kerry.) Graemella is SO BOSSY! Poor little Twinkle Guinea Pig was nibbling at some lettuce when Graemella head-butted her out of the way and wouldn’t let her near it, so we’ve put them in separate hutches and runs till they get used to each others’ smells by sniffing through the wires. I will train Graemella to be a house rabbit, like Graeme was. But I think it’s only fair that I make a fuss of Twinkle first. She was so spooked by Graemella that she just crouched, shivering in the corner of the hutch. She’s sitting on my lap right now, but keeps looking around in a nervous twitchy sort of way as if Graemella might suddenly pounce.
  Got to go now. It’s Biker Bill’s seventy-fifth birthday today. He’s taking us for a pub lunch. I’ve made him a card. It's my artistic impression of his dog Buster riding the motorbike and Bill sitting in the sidecar. My present is a box of breath fresheners for dogs.

16.25. Had vegetarian toad in the hole and blackcurrant cheesecake. Yummy. Or it would have been, if I hadn’t been sitting opposite Bill. He kept getting his spaghetti caught in his beard, which was very off-putting. He liked his card though. He said he’s going to frame it! Had to change my skirt ’cos Buster slobbered all over it. Bill says he only dribbles on people he likes.
  Twinkle keeps darting under my bed and out again. She is SO cute! Today she’s wearing a mini nappy invented by yours truly from a panty liner and some old doll’s panties. Not one guinea-pig poo anywhere! SUCCESS! A poo-free bedroom!

22.55. Kissed my bird brooch and pinned it back on pyjamas. Will wear it to school tomorrow under my sweatshirt, close to my heart.

Monday, 22nd November
16.50. Had whole school assembly. TRULY CREEPY. So many SKINHEADS! Mr Curtis and Mr Jones (Kerry’s dad – and our Maths teacher!). Not that he had much hair anyway, just bits of fluff. Loads of skinhead kids too. The total raised so far is…DEE-DAH!! £627.39 – AND we’ll have more after Friday, when we do the sponsored WEAR-A-HAT-OR-WIG-TO-SCHOOL. Spent all our breaks teaching millions of girls the warrior princesses dance. They want to join our group. We explained that it’s an exclusive club and the words, Join us too, only count for the Shave Rave. They should go and invent their own stuff! Kerry was flashing her engagement hairband ring around all day.

21.30. I cannot BELIEVE that I’m on my THIRD diary! Eight things on my WISH LIST in diary number two came true.
1. Nolly recovered from her heart attack and she’s back home from hospital.
2. She hadn’t gone GAGA like we thought when she kept going walkies and disappearing. (She was having secret meetings with her new boyfriend Biker Bill!)
3. I know she hasn’t started smoking again because I’ve checked her flat upstairs for ciggie smells.
4. I’m getting on OK at Fletchley High School and made new friends.
5. Ian (Mum’s live-in boyfriend) still winds me up a little bit sometimes and he’s too bouncy. Also, his trainers stink! But even though he drives me bananas sometimes, I think he really does love Mum and Mum loves him. Also he talked Mum into letting me have one of Jay’s guinea pigs (Twinkle).
6. Me and Kerry have made friends with Mia and Narinder – even though we were deadly enemies at the start of term.
7. The spot on my nose disappeared.
8. And…TA-RAH! JAY KISSED ME!

NEW WISH LIST

1. I wish that Mia‘s cancer does not come back.
2. I wish that Nolly and Biker Bill will be very happy.
3. I wish that Biker Bill would give Buster a bath, some breath freshener and something for his farting habit.

I’m amazed that Nolly puts up with it! She’s very fussy about smells. I asked her about it but all she said was, Slowly-slowly-catchy-monkey, and tapped the side of her nose. Whatever that means. She says she has a secret weapon up her sleeve. All I could see was a bony old arm with lots of freckles. Going shopping after school tomorrow with Mum to look for our bridesmaids’ gear. We don’t want anything too twee. Mum wants an outfit that she can wear for her own wedding and also as her bridesmaid’s outfit for Nolly’s wedding.

Tuesday, 23rd November
17.35. The only thing Mum could find to fit over her bump was a pink maternity dress and a pink and black flowery poncho. My bridesmaid’s gear is FABULOUS! I shall be wearing a black layered gypsy skirt with pink flowers, a tight pink velvet jacket and shiny pink ballet type flatties. We have these really cute matching headbands with pink daisies, feathers and pearls. Called in at Cassie’s on the way back to show her. Cassie’s mum started on with, If only you would wear pretty things, darling, instead of looking like a vampire. (Cassie is going through her Gothic phase.) Cassie grunted, Yeah, well, I’m not a bridesmaid, am I? Not unless Dad gets married to his girlfriend!
  We went up to her room where she tried on my wedding gear. The jacket was much too tight because she is now 36C bra size! But she is nearly thirteen. She looked amazing and pranced about in it like she was a film star at a film premiere, saying ‘Sorry! No autographs!’ And blowing kisses at her fans. She showed me her wedding present for Nolly, which is more scented candles because she remembered me saying how smelly Buster is. They’re from that posh shop, Mango. They cost £20! Cass and me have been friends since we were three so Nolly is a sort of gran to her as well.

Do Not Read Or Else! © Pat Moon, 2007.  Published by Orchard Publishing.