MULCH DIGGUMS

Born to a typical dwarf cavern-dwelling family, Mulch had decided early that mining was not for him and resolved to put his talents to another use, namely digging and entering, generally entering Mud People’s property. Of course this meant forfeiting his magic. Dwellings were sacred. If you broke that rule, you had to be prepared to accept the consequences. Mulch didn’t mind. He didn’t care much for magic anyway. There had never been much use for it down the mines.

Things had gone pretty well for a few centuries, and he’d built up quite a lucrative above-ground memorabilia business. That was until he’d tried to sell the Jules Rimet Trophy to an undercover LEP operative. From then on his luck had turned, and he’d been arrested over twenty times to date. A total of 300 years in and out of prison. Mulch had a prodigious appetite for tunnelling, and that, unfortunately, is a literal translation. For those unfamiliar with the mechanics of dwarf tunnelling, I shall endeavour to explain them as tastefully as possible. Like some members of the reptile family, dwarf males can unhinge their jaws, allowing them to ingest several kilos of earth a second. This material is processed by a super-efficient metabolism, stripped of any useful minerals and…ejected at the other end, as it were. Charming.